


Lacking

by HephaistionsThighs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:09:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22869145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HephaistionsThighs/pseuds/HephaistionsThighs
Summary: Every Mundane, Shadowhunter, and Downworlder ever born did so bearing the name of their soulmate on their left wrist.  Except Alec.  He has nothing but a slight warping of the skin, a birthmark.  It isn’t even pigmented, much less inked with the name of someone who would love him.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 36
Kudos: 598





	Lacking

“No one will ever love you, Alec.”

It’s something he’s thought to himself over and over again.Anytime he’s caught himself fantasizing about someone, about being with someone, he’ll remind himself that there’s no way it could ever happen.

It’s something his mother said to him.Not in the stern, dispassionate tone people might imagine from her - she was trying to comfort him.He would have no love in his life, but that wasn’t important, he was meant for so much more, she told him.He would be Head of the New York Institute like the Lightwoods before him, and then more.He was destined for greatness, for titles like Consul or Inquisitor, Maryse was sure of it.He shouldn’t concern himself with love; when the time was right, he would have children and continue the Lightwood line with a spare, someone whose soulmate had died.Shadowhunters lived dangerous lives, there were plenty of such women in their ranks.

Every Mundane, Shadowhunter, and Downworlder ever born did so bearing the name of their soulmate on their left wrist.Except Alec.He has nothing but a slight warping of the skin, a birthmark.It isn’t even pigmented, much less inked with the name of someone who would love him.

It’s just another aspect of his repressed emotional dichotomy.He’s determined to be the best, to do his best, but he’s never good enough.Excellent academic scores, combat scores, mission reviews, leadership, diplomacy… it all still adds up to somehow insufficient.In anxious times, his mind is a constant contradictory chant of “You have to do better” and “You’re not good at anything.”Most things he can keep trying to improve.He isn’t good enough to be loved, and there’s nothing he can do about that.

* * *

Magnus knows the name Alexander Gideon Lightwood as well as his own.In his early days he would flaunt it, letting everyone know his soulmate’s name, in case they knew this special person and could direct him to them.He eventually stopped.He realized that if they were fated to be together, he didn’t need to go seeking them.As he became more powerful and acquired enemies to match, he also didn’t want his soulmate to become an exploitable weakness.He keeps the soulmark covered; it’s no one’s business but his own and Alexander Gideon Lightwood’s.

He remembers thinking at the age of forty that it was taking quite a long time for his soulmate to appear.It worried him, but no one’s soulmate dies before they even meet unless both are fated to die in childhood.Centuries later, he was beginning to have serious doubts until he heard of the Lightwood family of Shadowhunters in New York.He packed his things and left for the United States at once, arriving in 1891.

He’s made the city his home ever since, waiting patiently for the right Lightwood to show up.There was one instance where he got very excited upon meeting Alexander Lightwood in 1920, but the man turned out to be Alexander William Lightwood and already happily married to his own soulmate.

He hasn’t been much of a fan of the Lightwood leaders for the last few decades; they seem to uphold a stricter view of the separation of Nephilim and Downworlders than even the average Shadowhunter.That didn’t stop him from feeling immense joy when his sources informed him Robert and Maryse Lightwood named their firstborn Alexander Gideon Lightwood.

His soulmate is finally alive and among them, walking these same streets, perhaps accidentally crossing his path in the night.Magnus continues to be patient.The boy must be allowed to become a man.His soulmate of course has Magnus’ name as well, he can come and find him when he’s ready.He decides he’ll wait until Alexander is 22 - if the young man hasn’t come to him by then, he’ll take the initiative himself.

The reemergence of Valentine’s Circle is deeply concerning, but when a tall young archer kills one of them in Magnus’ nightclub and strides past him, a shock of pleasure runs through him.Dark hair, dark eyes, the right age.Magnus runs the math and realizes Alexander must already be 23.He nearly curses himself for running late, wasting time, but there’s no time like the present.

He doesn’t even get to speak to him then, but fate isn’t cruel enough to keep them apart for much longer.Another Circle member dies from arrow and magic combined, and Magnus finds himself alone with his soulmate for the first time.

“I’m Magnus Bane.I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced.”He includes his full name to be sure of leaving zero doubt.

The young nephilim smiles, a little lopsided in its unreservedness.“Alec.”

“Alec.”Of course, Shadowhunters do have different conventions for nicknames than Mundanes.“You wouldn’t happen to be Alexander Gideon Lightwood, would you?” Magnus asks.

Alexander smiles again.“Yes.”He stares at Magnus with big hazel eyes and seems to struggle to find what to say next.“We should really… y’know, probably get… y’know…” he stammers, instantly enamoring the Warlock.

“Right.We should join the party.”Magnus wants more time with him, but they do have important world-saving business to attend to.That’s alright, he can flirt and work at the same time; he’s great at multitasking.

* * *

Alec can’t stop thinking about Magnus.No one’s ever shown him attention like that before.He hadn’t been subtle, but Alec hadn’t known how to respond.He could have been flirting just for the joy of doing so.Some people have flirtatious personalities, some people enjoy getting a reaction.Maybe Magnus’ soulmate is dead.

The magic of the soulmate bond allows an immortal-mortal pair to jointly become either both immortal or both mortal if they choose, but immortality isn’t what everyone wants.It’s a burden as much as a blessing.Or maybe Magnus’ soulmate died of something else.Maybe he hasn’t met his soulmate yet and is looking for something casual to pass the time.Maybe he and his soulmate are together but he has other relationships on the side.Warlocks are said to be hedonistic.

Magnus is just so handsome and charming.And powerful, wise— basically Alec has no idea why he would look at Alec twice.Alec lies awake at night with the last thought of: Holy shit he’s perfect.

* * *

The next day’s training is interrupted by an unknown caller, which is odd.Alec answers, “Hello, who is this?”

“Alexander!Hi, it’s Magnus.We met the other day, you know, the demon.”On the other end, Magnus winces at himself.It’s not as if he needs to remind his soulmate who he is.This is all so new to him, it’s disrupting his natural conversational grace.

But Alec definitely can’t tell, and his heart starts beating faster.The beautiful Magnus Bane is calling him.He stumbles over his words yet again, losing what little conversational grace he ever had.“Uh, yeah.Yeah, hey, what’s up?”

“I was just thinking, it was really nice getting to meet you.I’d love to get to know you.Would you like to go out for a drink sometime?”

Now the beautiful Magnus Bane is asking him out for a drink.Denial and lack of self-esteem bubble up: Maybe the High Warlock is simply hoping to foster good relations with the future Head of the Institute.His parents have gone on social outings for political reasons many times.The thoughts aren’t enough to fully quash his hope, though.It’s possible he should take this as it seems.“That sounds fun.Um… when?”

“How ’bout right now?” Magnus answers at once.

Alec wants this, but the offer becoming real so immediately makes him hesitate.He’s never been on a date.He’s suddenly filled with nerves.He takes a breath and squares his shoulders the way he would before battle.“Sure.Where?”

Magnus smiles widely and hopes it can be heard in his voice.“My place.I’ll portal to the Institute and pick you up.”

“I can be ready in ten minutes.”

* * *

Alec is extremely pleased to say with certainty that Magnus Bane doesn’t just want to talk politics and doesn’t just want to fuck him.

He seems genuinely interested in him.They spend the entire night talking and drinking and flirting.Magnus is more vulnerable than Alec expected, more open and ready to share intimate details about himself.To his surprise, Alec finds it easy to do the same.For some reason, he trusts the Warlock automatically.

In the wee hours, when they’re both too tired to keep up any meaningful conversation, Magnus offers him either a portal home or a guest room.Alec accepts the latter.He knows his absence will be noticed at the Institute and he’ll be harassed for it in one way or another, but he doesn’t care enough.He feels comfortable and safe here in a way he doesn’t even in his own home.

* * *

Magnus snaps breakfast into existence in the morning, but after that, it’s time at last for Alec to return to the Institute.Magnus walks with him to the loft’s door to bid him goodbye.

He looks at him with a soft smile and Alec feels his heart rate rising.Is Magnus going to kiss him?Alec would definitely let him.They’ve gotten so close in the space of one night, it would feel appropriate.

Magnus runs his fingers through Alec’s dark ruffled hair and sighs in pleasure.“Oh, my pretty soulmate.”

Alec’s relaxed posture immediately stiffens, his content expression falling.“What?”

“I’m sorry -I should have figured Shadowhunters don’t appreciate being called ‘pretty’.I only mean, I’m lucky to have a soulmate who’s so handsome inside and out.”Magnus continues to smile, intent on maintaining his praise while soothing what he assumes is fragile masculinity.

Alec catches Magnus’ hand gently, lowering it from his face, before releasing it and stepping back slightly.“Magnus, I’m not your soulmate.”

Magnus’ reaction is a near perfect mirror of Alec’s own.“What?”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you thought we were.I didn’t mean to- to make you think- I just thought-”Alec takes a breath.It doesn’t matter that he thought Magnus just _liked_ him.The point of confusion is clear enough.“There must be someone else out there with the same name as me, or else there will be.”

Alec doesn’t want to think about his own grandson perhaps having what he never could.

Magnus no longer meets his eyes.“I see.”

His voice is quiet; he doesn’t sound like himself.He’s trying to repress his emotional reaction.He doesn’t want to be so exposed to someone who has been suddenly revealed to be essentially a stranger.

“I’m sorry,” Alec repeats.

Magnus shakes his head.He believes that Alec didn’t intend to deceive him and is indeed sorry, but the hurt is the same.

“May I ask who your soulmate is, then?”

“I don’t have one.”There’s shame tingeing Alec’s tone.

“They passed?”It’s the only possible answer, but Magnus asks anyway.His own hurt lessens to make room for sympathy.No wonder Alexander was so eager to accept Magnus’ advances - how lonely it must be to lose your soulmate so young.

“No, I never had one.”

Alec doesn’t want to just hurt Magnus and run away, but he also doesn’t want to be here anymore.What a horrible tease this entire lovely experience has been.A beautiful fascinating man thought Alec was his soulmate, thought he could love him.Alec was given a glimpse of hope that anyone at all, much less such a person as Magnus, could love him.

Magnus blinks and peers at him.“That’s not possible.”He doesn’t bother to conceal his skepticism.

Alec shrugs.It’s clear as day in the blank space on his wrist, the only piece of evidence needed.

“No.I’ve met asexuals, aromantics, hermits and recluses.Everyone has a soulmate of some kind,” Magnus insists.

“I’m sorry,” Alec says yet again.It seems like the only appropriate thing he can say.He pushes back his sleeve and holds his wrist upward between them.“I don’t know why, but I don’t.”

Magnus cradles Alec’s hand in both of his own, thumbs swiping over the patch of mottled skin.“Alexander… this is a scar.”

“I was born with it.”

The Warlock meets his eyes with an intensity Alec doesn’t expect.“Not unless your Angel burned you in the womb.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that.Maybe they had?If divine powers choose soulmates, they also chose for Alec to be alone.

“I believe there’s a rune for healing severe scars.Do you know it?” Magnus asks.He keeps his hold on Alec’s wrist, unwilling to let it retreat and hide away.

Alec shakes his head.He’s heard of it, but usually only healers learn it.

“May I try?” Magnus asks.

“I…”Alec wants to let him, but he doesn’t want to force them both to have further false hope.“There’s nothing there.There never has been.”

“I don’t believe that.Do you know what I think?”Now Magnus’ tone has turned dark.“I think Maryse Lightwood saw the name of a deplorable Downworlder on her first-born and mutilated him.A small cost to unbind her heir from Asmodeus’.”

Denial rises automatically to the tip of Alec’s tongue, but his honesty stops it from making sound.He knows his mother and her ambitions for him.She would do whatever is necessary to have what she thinks is best for him.

He swallows.“Can you heal it?”

Magnus smiles, the darkness gone.“Healing is not my speciality, especially such an old injury, but if you are my soulmate, it will be possible.”Warlocks can always do more extraordinary magic with and for their soulmates.

With that, he closes his eyes and concentrates.He has to reach out to Alec’s flesh and beckon it to return to how it should be, instead of how it’s used to being.Once his spell finds its way and learns the right rhythm, he opens his eyes.His magic is surrounding the site, and to Magnus’ surprise, his usual blue is infused with gold.He’s never seen this before.This is what it looks like when his magic meets his soulmate.

It’s enough of a confirmation for him that he doesn’t even need the words, but he knows Alec does.And needed or not, Magnus badly wants to see them there.

Alec watches the magic play across his skin like shimmering light.It looks like fire, but it doesn’t hurt.A few more seconds, and the magic clears.

There, in clear black letters: _Magnus Bane_.

Magnus feels joy, pride, vindication.He finally has his soulmate.After so long.He’s needed and longed for this soul for centuries, and it was almost tricked away from him.Maryse is lucky Alec clearly loves his family - he’d kill her for this otherwise.

Alec is overwhelmed.This changes everything he thought and felt about himself.He spent his life feeling inferior, feeling excluded from the natural system of loving, being loved, deserving love, but now he is not alone.He has Magnus.It’s there on his skin and always has been, underneath.

He finally gets in a breath and its a gasp of happy tears.None have quite fallen yet, but his eyes are full.He looks up at Magnus and they’re both smiling widely.They laugh together even as Alec feels a tear slide free.

Then he’s kissing Magnus.He doesn’t overthink it, just does it, because he _can_.Magnus tugs him closer, wraps his arms around him to press them flush together.They fit together like they were made for it, because they _were_.

Once they break apart, Alec looks down at him, panting for breath between kiss-pink lips.He has no experience, but he has to think that was an excellent first kiss.Magnus looks even more pleased than before, so that’s a good sign.

“Can I stay a little longer?”The Institute will have to wait.

Magnus grins.“You can stay as long as you like, Alexander.”


End file.
